Neon Red – Chapter 40

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(DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. It’s important to remember this is all totally fabricated, embellished, and exaggerated for entertainment purposes.)


Honey, I don’t want it to fade

There’s things that I know could get in the way

I don’t want to say goodbye

And I think that we could do it if we tried

Clairo | Sofia

January 2014

It had a hard time healing, this one. The ink was beginning to peel. I’d taken the plastic off and blood had run down my elbow. There were telltale signs of an infection. Flaky, swollen flesh encrusted with all sorts of unsightly things. I set a cool towel to it, trying not to irritate the skin more than it already was. The location was a tricky one, it being drawn along my inner arm in excruciating detail; all of which sought to pain me now. These elements I’d pursued from my dream had haunted me for weeks after the image first appeared to me. Every nuance needed to be accounted for, just as I’d seen it when I was asleep. The preeminent eye, the lunging arrow, the cascade of cloudlike tears. All excavated from the craggiest reaches of my memory. His eye, that is. All-knowing. Now attached to me permanently. More apart of me than it was of him. A bold move on my part, done without his consent because he would have never okayed it, but I wasn’t here to ask for permission. I subscribed wholeheartedly to the notion of begging for forgiveness later. 

Last year had ended on a sour note. He’d broken up with me at the end of November, determined to make things work with Kendall. Where the fuck did she even come from anyway? Kendall? As in Jenner? Boy, was I blindsided by that one. And it had taken me a while to stomach the thought that he’d gone there. A Jenner. Damn near a Kardashian. Sometimes I didn’t know who he was, as many of his actions alarmed me of late. For this pretty-eyed braindead bird he had tossed me away? After everything we’d battled and overcome? Was it really my fate to be shoved aside for a Jenner

He looked up one day, saw the long haul, and thought: ‘Oh she’ll do’. What the fuck planet was I even on right now?! It wasn’t a question of beauty, as he’d seen plenty of that through the years and would continue to find himself in tempting situations with birds even badder than Kendall. And it wasn’t for money, as he had enough of that to last him a life time by now, probably even two. So what was it? From what I could see of the reality show and in the press, he couldn’t have been drawn to her personality. That’s what boggled my mind the most. Why her, exactly? I’d asked myself that question at least a hundred times now, and was no closer to clarity today than I’d been the first time I voiced it.

He was a cold-hearted motherfucker when he wanted to be. His stare could cut you to pieces if you happened to be one of those rare individuals who ended up on his bad side. That’s all I’d gotten of late. We had barely spoken since that awful November night following the AMAs. I’d noticed long before that night how things seemed to be gradually growing frostier between us, but had been too unnerved to speak on it. Some might even label our dynamic unkind. 

Most days he wouldn’t look at me in interviews. Wouldn’t talk to me between them. Wouldn’t speak of me to the other boys whenever I sent Niall or Lou to relay a message on my behalf. If I was lucky, I’d get a smile or a brief word or two after my best work of buttering him up, but hardly anything substantial. Certainly nothing to ease my nerves or help me sleep. The sex had stopped too because he now ghosted my calls until he knew full-well we had no time left to be together. And although he wouldn’t address the fact that we’d barely slept together in the past month, I’d taken note of my excruciating days of withdrawal like a prisoner etching tally marks on the wall of a cell. Solitary confinement. It was all beginning to badly affect my mood. 

When he wouldn’t really fuck with me during 1D Day despite us being stuck together for over seven hours, it was then that I knew something was seriously off. Not even a quick backstage kiss or a pat on the ass or the occasional sleepy hug that he loved to dole out to me during long work days. After arriving to the set of the livestream show, it all became a little clearer. The crew made a huge deal of him inviting her along, and although she only stayed a few hours, he spent all his downtime with her and barely glanced at me once she left. Somehow, someway, for whatever reason, he was simply done, and he finally grew the balls to make that clear  to me after the AMAs.

Wait a second, hadn’t he made a bunch of innuendos at me during one of the red carpet interviews? Had I hallucinated that?? He had been all over me, figuratively speaking. Hinting that he was looking forward to an afterparty back at the hotel. ‘A quiet one.’ Now it was nearing 1AM and I hadn’t heard a peep from him since we got back to the Ritz. I checked my phone compulsively but no notification from H. In the meantime I’d gotten showered and sat on the sofa in my sweats and t-shirt, ready to meet up at his place or mine. It didn’t matter. I just needed him to hurry the fuck up and make the call.

The telly was going, but I muted it to better hear my phone ring. There was an infomercial for a grill flashing across the screen. They were demonstrating how to cook kebabs. The blonde suburban mom with the perky tits and rigid smile was starting to piss me off. Rather abruptly, I shut the TV off and stared stupidly at my reflection in the black screen, then at my phone.

“Yo…Haz….? You up?” I texted.

“No,” he responded.

“Clearly you are. What gives?”

“How do you mean?”

“You stood me up, bro!”

“We had plans…???” That was like a kick to the sternum.

“Well…I thought we did? What was all that you were saying back on the carpet? An ‘afterparty’ and all that shit??” It took him a while to respond.

“Mate, that was jokes. All jokes. I’m chilling. Too tired to do anything anyway. I can barely lift my arms to type.”

“Hey, fuck you, alright??” I snapped. “I’m getting sick of the way you’ve been acting lately. Think I didn’t notice? Or is it that you don’t care??”

“Mate, it’s too late for all this.”

“Is it? Feels like the perfect time to me.”


“What the fuck is up, Haz? Be straight with me, bro. Time out for all that fake shit.”

No response.

“We haven’t hooked up since the beginning of this month? You know how much that messes with my head?! To go from damn near every day to nothing?? Do you even care?”

No response.


No response.

“You pissed at me or something?! I told you I was sorry about Jonathon Ross, but I couldn’t stop them from bringing her up. It was in the script, babe. You were the only one on my mind.”

“It’s not that.” Finally he’d chimed back in. I let out a breath of relief. If it wasn’t the Perrie thing pissing him off, then I knew whatever else it was we could get through it with a bit of work. Sort of like when I told him back in September that he was gaining weight and he lost his mind, even though I’d meant it in the sense that he looked amazing. More solid. 

“Then what is it?” I asked, chewing my lip as I waited on a response. There was another long pause, unfortunately, in which I could tell he was contemplating a careful reply. Drafting it out in his mind. Probably typing and erasing a hundred different things. I decided to help him along. “Glad you finally admitted there’s a problem.”

No response. 

“So how about you strap on some balls and tell me what it is???”

No response.

“Hello? Haz?? You suddenly lose the ability to type or some shit?”

“I’m here.”

“Then what’s wrong?!”

“Come to my room. I wanna talk.”

“About what?”

“Just come over, alright?”

“What room?”


I was out the door faster than I could type a reply. No need. I’d say whatever was necessary once I got in his face. I’d been holding back since he’d started acting weird and was more than prepared to let him have it. I strode down the hall in my socks, eyes flicking back and forth as I read the room numbers on either side of the hall along the way. Occasionally getting lost in the burgundy and blue patterns in the carpet. Passing creepy paintings of mythical creatures and loads of ugly sculptures. Finally after a bend at the end of the hall, I found his room on the left-hand side. I knocked and he answered; shirtless in a pair of red sweats.

“Hey,” was his husky greeting. A half-smile was all I got. 

“Wussup,” I pushed past him into the room uninvited, giving the place a once-over to make sure he was alone. I couldn’t tell if he’d invited her back to the hotel or not, but from the looks of it he’d been alone since we arrived. He pulled on a shirt as I moved to sit on the couch, elbows braced on my knees. My fingers were shaking so I clenched them together. His place smelled like the vanilla candle he brought with him everywhere we went to make sure the hotels felt like home.

After-party, my ass,” I muttered, watching him pull on a black t-shirt.

“Get over it, mate. I never promised anything.”

“Yeah, alright…” I fumed. When he was ready, he came and sat down on the floor in front of me, crossing his legs.

“The couch’d be more comfortable, youh reckon?”

“I’m good.”

“Suit yourself.” At that he ran his fingers through his hair before dragging them down his face.

“Look, Z…” he looked me square in the eye for the first time in weeks. “First, how are you?”

“Been better, I guess. Just a little nervous as to why youh brought me here. Get on with it then…”

“Alright…” he cleared his throat, now looked down at the carpet and toyed with his toes sticking out from beneath his boney knees.

“Obviously it’s somethin’ youh feel I’d be upset about. That much is clear, Haz. Soh whatever it is, are youh sure it’s somethin’ youh wanna tell me? Youh sure it’s not somethin’ you’d come to regret? Somethin’ I might be better off not knowin’?” 

I was trying so hard to save him from revealing whatever was making him so uncomfortable. Nothing was worth ruining what we had. I sensed long ago that he’d slept with someone else by now, which was the reason he hadn’t touched me in weeks. And although it was destroying my insides, I decided it was nothing compared to me getting engaged a few months ago, and sleeping with Pez on the off occasion that we linked up. So I couldn’t blame him too much. I just hated that he hadn’t warned me first. He usually warned me before he brought someone else into our fucked up little situation.

“…You need to know. I can’t keep going on like this.”

“I respect that. Thanks for bein’ honest with me, babe,” I gritted out, agitatedly running a few fingers across my lips. “Just tell me who it was, Haz.” He looked up at me like he’d shot my puppy and was afraid to show me the remains.



“I’m sorry…”

“Just tell me…” I looked off to the side, clenching my jaw, on the verge of tears. No matter how fucked up this all was, and regardless of the fact that I was engaged and had slept with Pez last month and intended to again when I went home for holidays, it always gutted me to hear someone else had been in his bed. It took all the wind out of me to picture him laying beside another body. Kissing on them. Being inside of them. Orgasming for them. All the things that were mine. Fought for and paid for with years of blood and tears and hiding. I couldn’t believe he’d been with someone other than me. While I was right-fucking-here? Why wasn’t I enough?

“Kendall and I have been spending some serious time together….” he admitted it at last.

“Youh think I don’t know? I’ve felt it every time youh were with her.”

“So what do you think about it?” he wondered, brow furrowed. He was looking up at me so earnestly it was difficult to stay mad. I just wanted to make him happy. I just wanted to be us again, not two aloof strangers who could barely maintain eye contact.

“I think…I don’t have a say in it apparently. Which is why youh didn’t tell me beforehand. And I think noh matter what I say, you’re gonna keep doing what youh wanna do.”

“I’m trying to be reasonable.”

“Yeah, I get that. Still hurts.”

“Z, I’m sorry.”

“Why her?” I tried to ask it as casually and unaffected as possible.

“Why not her?”

Touche, then…” I got up and strode around a bit, gazing out of his balcony at the night sky. “She’s a bit young for youh, though. Don’t youh think?” I laughed. “Shouldn’t she be about 40yrs older to even ding your radar, mate?”

“Ha-ha…so funny,” he said wryly.

“Lighten up, Haz. What’re youh gettin’ all butthurt and bent out of shape forh? I’m the one who should be upset.”

“M’just not in the mood for jokes, alright?”

“Then what are youh in the mood for?”


“Soh speak.” I could feel my blood pressure rising, thumping behind my eyes. He was being a proper prick and riding my nerves close to an explosion. I forever tried to spare him that side of me, but he was seriously pushing it tonight.

“She’s been great, y’know? Super chill, super sweet. Uh…spontaneous, funny…down to earth.”

“Got youh writin’ sonnets already?” I scoffed, trying to force a laugh to relax.

“Sometimes they do that to you.”

“Yeah…tell me about it.”

“Anyway…things seem to be going well.”

“How long youh been at it?”

“A few weeks now. We just went public—”

“At Craig’s, right?”

“Yeah…dinner at Craig’s. As friends, publicly, but privately we’ve been more.” Something sharp raked down my spine, giving me an instant migraine. “No one knows anything yet, except me, her, and now you. We haven’t confirmed it to the press. Don’t know if we ever will.”

“Confirmed it? Soh this is gonna be, like, a long-term thing?”

“I hope.”

I raised my eyebrows, nodded bitterly, then remained silent.

“You ok? Say something…”

“What is there left to say really?”

“Will you come sit down again?” There was a vulnerable, heart-bleeding look on his face. One that begged me not to stonewall him. One that begged for my approval. “Please…I’m not really finished.” With that I returned to my seat. He scooted a closer on the floor, locking our gazes.

“Z…. things are starting to feel real again. I’m starting to feel really good about myself, alright? Like I haven’t felt in a long time. Not since I met Caroline.” That raking sensation was back. “I don’t know if you know this or not, but I haven’t felt right since this whole thing between you and I began a few years ago. I see myself differently now, and that’s not so great. I have a lot of doubt, mate. Lots of questions that no one can seem to answer for me, especially not you.”

Here we go again. Now I had to hear about how much the engagement had damaged him and how I’d made him feel like shit, despite me never leaving his side and my affection for him never having faltered in the least.

“And I don’t make youh feel gud about yourself?”

“Not anymore…. not lately.” They said truth hurts, but in all actuality it killed

“That really fuckin’ sucks to hear, Haz. Gotta be honest with youh, broh. I’m havin’ a hard time keepin it together.” I smiled through the tears in my eyes, too embarrassed to do anything else. “It cuts deep, babe. Youh make it sound like I’ve been abusin’ and neglectin’ youh or sumthin’, but I feel like I’m tryin’ my best everyday that God gives me breath. You’ve been ghostin’ me latelyh and makin’ it super difficult for me to take care of youh. To make youh happy.”

“Yeah…about that…” he said thoughtfully, scrunching his mouth to the side. “There’s a reason for that…that I’ve been avoiding you. I didn’t really know how to tell you all this before, so I was trying to buy some time and trying to keep my distance so that I didn’t have to lie to you. I refuse to lie to you, Z.”

“Gee, thanks. But I guess sumtimes I feel like I’d rather be lied to than ignored.”

“M’sorry about that. I really am. I never meant to hurt you, Z…” he touched my knee. “You gotta know that.”

“Yeah, alright…”

“Hey…we’re both at our wit’s end at this point. What do you say we throw in the towel?” There is was. Knife to the juggler. Blood sprayed everywhere, blanketing the carpets and the wall behind me. All I could manage to do was ground out:


“Listen, Z…it’s been great. It really has. I think we’ve been through some amazing highs together, stuff I’ll never experience in life with anyone ever again. Like ever. But also, uh, we’ve been through some of the lowest lows I will ever experience too. That’s a fact. And, uh, I’m not so sure those two things balance one another out anymore. Not so sure the constant punishment is worth the occasional reward, so to speak.” He let go of my knee at last, and I was so full of genuine sorrow that I was close to puking. My heart had been shattered beyond belief. I now understood what people meant when they said they were ‘heartbroken.’ How mine was still pumping blood throughout my body remained a mystery to me. 

“We’ve been through so fucking much together, mate. I’ve learned a ton from you over the years, and you’ve, uh, helped me to grow up pretty quickly. But I guess for now, Z, I’m just really looking forward to trying different things, y’know? I think it’s time for a new me?”

“And I…” I quavered, then cleared my throat.” I’m not apart of the new youh?”

“Unfortunately…not so much. You’re apart of the reason the old me is no good. Why I came to hate myself. Why I cried myself to sleep almost every night thinking of you with her. Thinking of all the important people in our lives looking at you as her future husband. Knowing that when they think of you two together, all they see are children. All they hear are wedding bells—”

“Haz, what the fuck? I thought we were over this??”

“No…” he puzzled, brow furrowing. “No, how could we be? You’re still engaged. You slept with her in Brisbane right when I thought you and I were finally pulling it back together. You’ll sleep with her again on our upcoming holiday. It won’t end, Z. Next year you’ll do the same. Birthday’s, Valentine’s day, Sweetie’s Day, any fucking day she deems special, you’ll be there and I can guarantee you all won’t be keeping it PG. I can’t fucking do that anymore, mate. I can’t! And I won’t let you make me the bad guy just because I’m finally ready to move on and done begging you to love me—”

“Beg?! What the fuck, broh?? Youh never once had to beg for my fuckin’ love. It was always readily available, Haz. I was always fuckin’ here. You’re the one who keeps leavin‘ just like you’re leavin right now!”

“Because I’d rather not have you anymore than to share you with her. She disgusts me. I don’t want to share anything with her. I can’t stand her smug fucking face anytime she’s with you. I’ve had it, Z!”

“Haz, where the fuck is all of this even comin’ from?!”

“I met somebody and she makes me happy, that’s where!”

“Kendall?!” I shouted. “Youh seriously gonna try and convince me some airheaded reality tv star is suddenly making youh happy?! You’re fuckin’ deluded broh. She’s nothin’ but a dumb kid, anyway. Just turned 18!”

“Well I’m only fucking 19, so you must feel the same way about me, huh?! Good to know. You don’t have to put up with how dumb I am anymore.”

“That’s not what I said, Haz. Not at all. You’re puttin’ words in my mouth. You’re not her. Nothin’ about youh and that girl is the same. You’re not even from the same fuckin’ planet. I can’t even believe you’re doin’ this right now??” I marveled, throat constricted. “You’re seriously leavin’ me for her?”

“Technically, I was never yours and you were never mine. So, uh, I’m not really leaving anything. I’m just no longer toying with something that belongs to someone else.”

“Wow…you’re really goin’ there…” I uttered. “Soh that’s it, yeah? Just like that?

“Yeah, essentially…”

“But youh once said youh were in love with me? Remember that? What the fuck happened to that??”

“Feelings change.”

Soh, basically…you’re just over me then?

“It’s not, uh, necessarily that I’m not feeling a certain way about you anymore…it’s more so that I’m feeling a certain way about her too now.”

“Soh basically, I’m irrelevant? She trumps me, then? Already??”


“Old news. Me? What, do I bore youh now? Youh suddenly don’t need me?? Sendin’ me mixtapes and dick pics and shit, and then suddenly you’re just done and I have to shut the fuck up about it?!”

“I just wanna try something new for a while. You of all people should get that…I know about the blonde from Melbourne too. You think I didn’t know, but I did.”

“We were just chillin’ Haz. Lou and Nialler were there. Nothin’ happened. I would’ve told youh if it did.”

“Doesn’t matter now. I’m over it, because I’m over you.” That stole my breath.

“You’re a heartless bastard, youh know that?”

“And you’re engaged.”

“Youh fuckin’ dickhead?? Youh led me on for months, just to do this?!” It was then that I realized it had been his plan all along to break me down and make me regret the engagement. He wanted me to come crawling back to him, and once I’d done just that, he was now cutting me lose and watching me free-fall into oblivion. “It was always your plan to dump me after youh got what youh wanted.”

“Not true. I had no choice but to back off after things heated up with Kendall. To be honest, Zayn, none of it is really about you. Isn’t that what you told me about the engagement? Constantly reminded me of how much I didn’t matter in that scenario? Well you don’t matter in this one. It’s about me and her now, not me and you.”

I could not inhale. “You’re hurtin’ me….” I said quietly, trying not to sob.

“I didn’t mean to.” He set a hand to my knee, but I shifted away from his touch. “Can we please just be friends again, Z? Like you suggested before? I’m just tired of trying mate. I want to be happy again…”

“And I really don’t make youh happy?”

“I just want peace. So, I’m done trying, and I’m done being paranoid about who you’re with when you’re not with me. It’s not worth it. And it’s getting super late. We have interviews in the morning, and I’m exhausted…so maybe you should just go and sleep on it. You can let yourself out.” At that he got up, but I lunged  after him, grabbing his arm.

“The fuck youh say to me?!” I shoved him. “Fuck youh, broh! Youh don’t just tell me to get out like that. Who the fuck are youh?!”

“This is my room, Z, and I can already see you getting upset. Just go before there’s a problem.”

“Youh can’t just dismiss me, Harry?? I’m not a fuckin’ child. What the fuck is even happenin’?! Am I nothin’ to youh anymore?”

“You’re tired, Z. You need to get some sleep. Call, Pez or something, maybe that’ll help—”

“Fuck youh!” I screamed.

“No, fuck you!” he spat. I nearly hit him. How fucking dare he tell me to call her?!

Fuck youh, fuck youh, fuck youh!” I shoved him again, but he shoved me back. Without thinking, I pushed him so hard he fell backwards over the coffee table and shattered a glass that had been sitting atop.

“Oh my fuckin’ god, Haz, babe…” I reached to help him up, glad he hadn’t been cut, but he slung my arms away.

“Get the fuck out!”

“Noh, Haz, babe…I’m soh sorry—”

Get out, Zayn! You’re a fucking lunatic! Just gooo!”

“Harry, baby, wait. I’m an idiot…”

Gooooo!” he roared. My heart felt enflamed. Humiliated, I ran from the room and back down to mine. There I dropped to the floor behind my bed and sobbed like a child.


At around 4am I went for a walk to cool my head. It was a habit we’d developed over the years, becoming so nocturnal, thriving in the late nights, but this time I was alone. The gavel had fallen. I’d officially been dumped for the first time in my adult life. It stung. Left a bad taste in my mouth. Instantly made me question all the things I’d done wrong, and devalue myself more and more with each passing hour. He was actually done with me. He wanted no parts of me. None of this ‘seeing other people while we still did our separate things with other people’. He was finished, and unlike after the engagement, it wasn’t because he was hurt, it was because he had interest in someone new. Typically whenever he caught feelings for someone else he and I faded to the backburner but were always still simmering for future use. Mainly because he couldn’t get what I gave him anywhere else and vice versa. But apparently he’d had enough of whatever I had to offer, and was perfectly content to be with Kendall exclusively.

I suppose I had no room to talk. I was engaged after all, and had no intentions of calling it off any time soon. Still, I’d been so sure he was mine. Gone for me. Mad for me. It was the worst feeling in the world to realize someone didn’t feel as strongly for you as you’d imagined they did. What a fucking fool I was. Walking around so confidently, knowing I had Pez back home and Haz on the road. Imagining that nothing could get in the way of that. He’d told me he loved me more times than I could count. He’d written me poetry. Written me songs. Cooked for me. Tattooed me. Bathed with me. Wanted to be there every single night when I laid down to rest. I was certain he was invested for the long haul, that is, until he wasn’t. Now he wanted all those things with someone else, and would probably think of more clever and romantic things to do according to her tastes. 

I started to hyperventilate, so I slowed to a stop outside a random building and took a breather. The streets were quiet at this hour, but sure to pick up again in a little while, and by then I needed to be back to the hotel before security found out I’d left. Downtown LA wasn’t the safest, and since I was insured by the label, I’d be in for a world of trouble if they found out I’d willfully endangered myself. Paulie really went off whenever we left the hotel without permission. His one request was that we take security with us if we had to go, but there’s no way I could have had some burly, tight-lipped dude shadowing my every mood right now. Walking into traffic behind me. Sticking to the darkest parts of the street like I preferred it. Asking me questions about my personal life. Not with the complicated influx of emotions I was experiencing just now.

Once I caught my breath, I was able to smell the kitchen of a nearby restaurant. Some small, seafood joint. Smelling fouled up and low-rent. I lit a Marlboro and I took a good hit, gazing up at the spooky sight of clouds creeping past the moon. Tonight felt cursed. Haz hadn’t been myself. Some energy had driven me to hurt him. I regretted it so much I wanted to bash my own head in. Instead, I took another hit of the smoke and it went straight to the dome. I exhaled, bathing in the formaldehyde. The cyanide, the lead, the ammonia, the carbon monoxide. Something just please fucking end me already. I couldn’t believe I’d pushed him like that. The glass could’ve cut his arm open. If I’d seen blood I would’ve lost my mind and cut myself too. Cut my fucking arm off. But I guess he’d already done enough cutting for the both of us. His words had gone from blunt to incisive in a matter of minutes, shredding my insides to ribbons. The things he said would stick with me forever, and that’s just how penetrating those words had been.

I took out my phone to silence my mind, then Googled “Hendall At Craig’s.” There they were, looking guilty as ever in his Range Rover. There she was, in my place. My fucking seat at his side. I cherished hopping into his truck and letting him choose the destination. As long as it was late and we were alone and I got to ride with the windows down, wherever we ended up didn’t matter to me. He let me keep my window open, unlike the other boys, no matter how cold it was.

My hand trembled as I glared at her face on the screen. She was acting coy. Ducking to pretend she didn’t wanted to be spotted by the paps. That was bullshit. She was right where she wanted to be and could barely contain her elation at being papped with him. He was everything. Who wouldn’t be overjoyed to be seen at his side? That’s why the faulty notion of him thinking I was ashamed of him drove me insane. I wasn’t ashamed of him, I was ashamed of me. Ashamed of my family’s archaic way of thinking, and ashamed of all the people who would find fault with us were we to go public. It was all a big joke really. I felt so gutted I started to hyperventilate again, just thinking of them making love when they got back to his hotel. I nearly threw my phone against the electrical pole nearby, but a homeless man pushed a shopping cart in front of me, hacking up his lungs. That took me out of my head instantaneously.

(Thanks for reading!❤️)

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