*********It has to be said, and then I won’t say anything else on this site. I’m not here to offend or start fights with Zarries. In fact I have never in my life actually bad-mouthed an individual in this community except when defending myself from people who attacked me first over sharing my opinions over a celebrity. I have never used my platform (or any of my accounts) to attack another user on any platform across the internet, yet that has so often been done to me, all because I dared to share my thoughts on celebrities who don’t know or care we exist. Hilarious how that works.
I’m just here to speak my truth unfiltered one final time because it is burning a hole in my heart and I need to end this website. This is obviously meant for Zarries who visit this website only, and would only make sense to Zarries, so if you’re a dumbass Zayn stan who stalks this community and cries about the things we say and shit talks us: 1) You’re a hopeless and irrelevant moron. 2) This is not meant for your hare brains because we don’t believe the same presuppositions about Zayn and Harry’s relationship, therefore, none of this applies to your worldview, fools, so stay out of it.********
This website is now officially an archive and the comments are closed. I must do this for my own mental health, because I’m in a really bad place with this community, as well as the two men that this community pertains to. I no longer find joy in signing into this website or reading most of what is posted here, which is why I have tried to shut it down so many times in the past and failed out of guilt for those I was abandoning. None of this is any offense to you all, it’s just that a lot of the subject matter surrounding this community and the 1D fandom in general has become quite cringy and unbearable to me. I no longer like the idea of current Zarry because of the things that have transpired and because of the things that are being swept under the rug by both individuals, as well as a certain Zayn-biased faction of this community. It is literally hopeless.
We have been lied to. Our love and support of Zarry has been taken for granted by both parties, and I just no longer want to play this game on this particular site anymore. I don’t support what Zarry is right now, whether as a couple or as individuals. Too many things need to be addressed and ironed out for me to ever feel comfortable rooting for them again, and clearly that will never happen. My Zarry closure no longer involves seeing them together and happy. My Zarry closure involves the truth being exposed or acknowledged and for certain parties to take accountability for what they did, but clearly that will never happen either because no one on the planet is holding him to it.
The dark and toxic things will continue to fester or be swept under the rug, and I fear it will eventuate in Harry imploding worse than what he alluded to in As It Was, because he is hiding so much and deflecting from so much (including My Policeman) to protect others, and he has been silenced and damaged and CHANGED to a degree that is incomprehensible, yet so obvious. Almost like conversion therapy…almost. The result is his proverbial metamorphosis, and for an individual to have gone through the things he was put through, and to be torn down and “devastated” to such a degree that the only way he could construe a method to survive or save himself was to entirely change his perspective on life, and change all of his behavior, even the way he writes music, it’s simply mind-blowing. Harry’s metamorphosis is not a positive thing, and anyone who has convinced themselves that Harry is perfectly fine right now and behaving normally is deluded and has an agenda. They either want Harry to be “fine” because it means they can go back to pretending Zayn is blameless, or they want Harry to be “fine” because they can go back to worshiping the Zarry relationship like nothing bad ever happened.
Either way, I can’t stomach it. Because people don’t realize that this major change in Harry signifies that he looked INWARD and blamed HIMSELF for what took place in 2020. He made Fine Line and bared his soul, was rejected, humiliated, and violated very publicly, and then looked inward and blamed himself and changed as much about himself as he possibly could, to the point that he is now pushing heteronormativity, hiding behind female pronouns, reluctantly participating in a disgusting PR relationship with a vile woman, and is now writing shallow songs that no longer address the things he truly feels inside, because he decided that he is the problem, that his old way of thinking and feeling was the problem, that he deserved to be punished for being so open, and that he deserved everything that happened to him. And so he blamed and changed himself completely. That is literally what happened. And everyone in this community is perfectly ok with that and have happily gone back to simping for Zarry and rooting for them like nothing ever happened.
I don’t care that you think I’m not being fair to Zayn. Why can’t you get it through your fucking heads that no one has to be fair or charitable towards a clear, apparent, proven, and indisputable emotional abuser??? The one who recently had a baby outside of the Zarry relationship?? Zayn is an emotional abuser and a manipulator of many people, and always to gain his own ends. That is a fact that cannot be denied, both within and without of the Zarry relationship. And when anyone speaks up to corroborate this fact, like Perrie, Louis, Liam, Gigi, Yolanda, or whoever else, we always jump to demonize them and seek to discredit and smear them on behalf of Zayn. I’m done.
All of this pains me to say because I dedicated a lot of time and energy to rooting for them and trying to understand them and trying to be one of the few people in this world who acknowledged and saw what took place between them along with the rest of you all. It used to seem so magical to me, but post-baby, I cannot wrap my head around any aspect of this relationship being ok or positive or healthy, and it astounds me how many Zarries are willing to look past the fact that Zayn had a baby with an awful person and allowed her to flaunt that fact for over a year, and destroyed Harry’s mental and emotional health. People literally look past the Zigi baby to continue to cheerlead for Zarry??? Howwww?? How can you possibly look past that and pretend everything is normal or that Zayn having a baby with anyone other than Harry is justifiable or defensible or ok???? (Again, this is all if you believe in the Zarry relationship.)
It ASTOUNDS me the capacity some people have for looking past these facts and pretending they didn’t happen, or excusing them away, or defending Zayn, or sweeping them under the rug just to return to the comfort of the Zarry fantasy because so many people rely on “hope for the fantasy” for their own mental health, or to feel good in their own lives. And I’m not shading anyone who does that, I’m just acknowledging that fact. Some people need to believe Zarry is real, that it is a beautiful perfect soulmate relationship, and that against all odds they are secretly together and worked through their problems and that Harry has to be ok with what Zayn did, and that Zayn should still be seen as some kind of perpetually beleaguered victim who had no choice.
I cannot stress how much I do not agree with you all, and how differently I am wired from 90% of you, to the point that reading the conversations of most Zarries these days makes my skin crawl, because I cannot look past what Zayn did to Harry no matter how much I have tried to for your sake. And I have tried so hard to look past it all in order to finish the stories on Wattpad (which by some miracle I did) and to keep providing weekly videos, and to keep moderating comments on this website to provide a safe space to some people. I’m sure my actions the past year or two have confused many of you all, and that’s because I was struggling with keeping one foot in this community and one foot out. I was struggling to stay involved and bite my tongue. Clearly I failed miserably at biting my tongue but I promise you most days I told myself just to swallow things and keep quiet since most of the time I have nothing positive to say anymore. Sooooo much needs to be called out, but I tried to keep myself from doing it and failed again and again at keeping quiet. The reason I continuously and repeatedly mention what Zayn did every chance I can get in my videos and on IG AND WON’T LET YOU ALL FORGET, is because it’s the only outlet I have for this truth I’ve observed that is being swept under the rug and deflected from or excused and defended by others.
I have no fucking clue how I have held out this long in this community despite having so few people I can have genuine conversations with, who are not biased towards either guy and who do not constantly seek to excuse and overlook the toxicity of this very one-sided relationship. Believe it or not, many of the people I speak to personally in DMs are still Zayn-biased. Very few of them are like me and don’t hold either guy in very high esteem anymore due to their actions. So I have no idea how I have survived in this community this long.
Wait, I take that back. I do know. Tbh, it’s because of Harry. For a long time Harry was a breath of fresh air for me. I have never stanned him, because believe it or not, I vehemently disagree with a lot of Harry’s politics, but I have never been one to let politics make me hate a person. The depth of his love and his courage in showing it drove a lot of my content and inspired the hell out of me. I think Harry is a very beautiful and rare soul. Harry felt so safe for so long, but that is no longer the case because he has been broken down and altered so fundamentally. Harry is the only reason Zarry is what it is today, although no one will ever give him credit for that in truth. Yet they give Zayn tons of undeserved credit by the same twisted token. When in reality, Zayn has only demeaned, undermined, suppressed, violated, and disrespected both Harry and the Zarry relationship in every way imaginable since Harry was a teenager. There is nothing good or pleasant or romantic or wholesome about that.
Zayn has sacrificed nothing for Harry. He has not honored Harry or this relationship in any way apart from the cheap, lousy, impotent, and off-handed things he has done to stay connected to Harry (only after he has done so much wrong first, such as engagements and babies and major female tattoos) but he still seeks to stay connected to Harry on a very stupid and superficial level like the Bode clothes and his weakass green and gold earring, and we all just have to accept that and applaud his meager efforts because he’s such a bitchmade ass dude who can’t accept who he is or what he has done with this man behind closed doors. It’s ok for him to give women engagements, and babies, and massive tattoos, and honor women publicly in every way imaginable, but Harry is never to be honored or respected. In fact, he even goes out of his way to demean Harry’s hard-earned accomplishments with things such as the Grammy diss because he can’t stand to see Harry thrive without him, despite having driven Harry away with a baby.
Yet, we still have to cheerlead Zayn coming around and wearing that tiny, meaningless earring because the standard is so fucking low for him that he gets brownie points for simply posting those boring fucking selfies every so often, and gets credit for no longer sucking the fecal matter out of Gigi’s butthole for all of two seconds and elevating her in every way imaginable??? The standard is so fucking low for him he gets credit for that dumb earring, right? Or for wearing Bode clothes??? This MF had an entire baby after Fine Line, but he gets credit for wearing that earring and wearing a fucking Bode jacket??? HE DOES NOT DESERVE CREDIT FOR THAT SHIT. It is cowardly and impotent and is a form of gaslighting, both of YOU (Zarries who lap that shit up) and gaslighting of Harry, while on the flip side Zayn gets to sit around raising an entire BABY with Gigi that she still flaunts online with and claims him with. (Remember this is also someone he schemed with to silence and intimidate and violate Harry in the worst way imaginable.) Denying that any of this clearly happened (if you are a Zarrie who believes Zayn and Harry have a relationship) makes you toxic and delusional and intellectually dishonest.
Worse, some of you DO acknowledge what happened in 2020, and how Harry was broken and violated, yet you STILL eat Zayn’s impotent bullshit up and call it true love and root for him to get another chance that he has NOT proven himself deserving of as far as anything we can see from a third-party perspective. So how on earth are you rooting for him to be with Harry again?? What exactly has Zayn done to redeem himself??? When did he take accountability for his actions or do anything to heal Harry in any way that we can observe???
I’m sick of being patient for Zayn. I’m sick of giving him the benefit of the doubt. I’m sick of trying to force myself to feel anything positive or tender or merciful towards him. That part of my heart is clearly fried. I don’t like him. I don’t like anything he does. I don’t find him impressive or interesting in the least. I don’t think he does or says anything worthwhile EVER, and worse, I don’t suspect he ever will. I don’t think he ever deserved Harry, and contrary to popular Zarrie belief right now, he has done NOTHING to rectify his disgusting, cowardly, and imo evil actions towards Harry (least of them being the Grammy diss). He has not redeemed himself in any way, and until he does right by Harry and accepts accountability for the manifold ways he has destroyed that man’s mental and emotional health, Zayn deserves nothing good in this world and I hope he never finds peace.
I’m a very straight-laced, very real, very honest person, which is why I am able to discern some difficult to discern things, and see certain things unfold long before they actually happen, or why I am proven right in my suspicion and judgement of certain characters. My tolerance for bullshit is nonexistent, and I don’t like passive aggression. I do not judge when it comes to things like people smoking, drinking, doing drugs, fornicating, making simple mistakes etc. I simply don’t like overlooking wrongdoing that harms other people, and that’s all I EVER called out in this community. And I don’t like shoving certain things under the carpet just to keep cheerleading for such an incredibly toxic and unhealthy relationship between two closeted men, one of whom is a vindictive, petty, self-serving, emotionally abusive coward, and you know exactly which one I’m talking about. The other one is a damaged, blind, naïve, emotionally abused man-child who has been taken advantage of and violated and disrespected so astoundingly in this relationship, yet continues to demonstrate so much tact, altruism, love, concern for others, self-reflection, self-deprecation, self-censorship, self-correction, and forgiveness that it amazes me.
It actually drives me insane how clear it is that Harry went through something very devastating, but that it’ll never be addressed publicly, despite us seeing what went on, and despite us knowing for whom his heart beats and seeing how it isn’t reciprocated in the least. It is unrequited love, and he has been strung along and used physically for the longest time, but so many of us utterly ignore that fact to cheerlead in spite of it. Fine Line alone is proof of how emotionally damaged and frayed Harry is, and how obsessive and unrequited his love is. So are his compulsions. They are not romantic, they are proof positive that he has been emotionally abused. Fine Line is a demonstration of how much he allows himself to be demeaned because he feels he doesn’t deserve anything better, and he didn’t receive anything better after it was released. He got a baby and years worth of Gigi flaunting that baby along side her castrated “baby daddy”.
“You don’t have to say you love me.”
Harry doesn’t get to release shitty rap tracks bragging for 20 minutes straight and victimizing himself, because he isn’t brown and happened to enjoy being in 1D. Harry doesn’t get to allow his race to give him a perpetual excuse for every shitty action he has ever made. Harry doesn’t get to pull the mental health card either despite having crippling anxiety and likely OCD his entire career. He doesn’t get excused for the way he has hurt so many others, mostly because Harry hasn’t made a fucking career out of hurting other people and doing shitty selfish things like Zayn has, both inside and outside of the Zarry relationship.
Harry has to stomach all he has been put through, and keep on smiling, and continue to have his feelings and his experiences belittled and ignored by the one tiny community out there that claims to be woke enough to see what the fuck has gone on between Zayn and Harry, yet is selective in the things they choose to acknowledge in order to preserve a romantic fantasy. Imagine being Harry and coming online, and the one community he should be able to depend on to acknowledge what he has been trying to tell us for years, is dismissing his experiences to continue to victimize Zayn and treat Zayn like a perfect prince who should never be held accountable for anything he’s done because he’s “brown” and has “anxiety”. Of course Harry looked inward and blamed and changed himself. He has zero support in the Zarry situation, not even from this community. A lot of this community is even toxic and presumptuous enough to assume Harry doesn’t face any discrimination in his family for his sexuality despite him being a man from a Catholic background. That’s just how much this community has deluded itself into believing Zayn is the only one to ever face any adversity. And all Harry would see if he ever snooped in this community for five seconds is that Zayn is perfect and that Harry’s feelings and experiences are not valid because he is white and can’t possibly face any hardship.
I look at the people in this community jumping to like Zayn’s posts and squealing over any tiny impotent, lazy move he makes and I just can’t fathom any of it. I also look at the way most of you continue to ignore the significance of As It Was to discuss how Matilda may or may not be about Zayn, because you care more about victimizing Zayn than you do about acknowledging what he has put Harry through. Again, it astounds me how much I don’t fit in this community, which I helped support and grow for so long. I regret so much. This subject matter makes me feel broken and confused and ANGRY. My heart pains me still (very very deeply) about what has gone on, and what has become of both men, and how certain things will never be addressed, acknowledged, or rectified, and I can’t in good conscience continue to pretend nothing happened just to root for Zarry to be together after everything. I simply cannot root for them anymore because none of it has been properly addressed. So that puts me at a weird impasse.
I don’t know what happens from here. All I know is that I’m done with this website. I can’t pretend anymore. I’m focusing more on my family in real life and things that I have going on behind the scenes, so I’m very sorry if I’m not as active or present anymore, and I’m very sorry I can no longer spend money to moderate this website when I don’t feel passionate about it anymore. I do love you all, whether I agree with your take on Zarry or not. I will also finish Feral for you.
I wish you all well. And although I can no longer root for Zarry with you all, I do respect our time together in this very strange place and I hope all of your dreams come true and that you lead safe and healthy and prosperous lives and find love for yourselves that is far more healthy than Zarry. And if anyone ever treats you the way Zayn has treated Harry, I hope you are wise enough to walk away because you deserve better than that shit, no matter how handsome Zayn is. Good luck to you all, and again I’m so sorry for leaving this website. I’ll be around on IG and Wattpad for a little while longer. I no longer have Twitter, and I no longer use my main ad_analytics IG. These are all tiny steps I’ve been implementing slowly to erase myself from this community, and the last to go will be my YouTube and Wattpad. I’m still contemplating whether or not I will leave those two accounts up or delete them altogether as well. We’ll see. I adore you all and hope to talk to you on IG and Wattpad. Goodbye loves and thank you so much for your lovely contributions to this site. You’re so amazing. 🙂 Take care!
Never forget Harry’s bravery in Fine Line. I sure won’t: